August

 Man, August was a crazy month... 

In my business, there are ebbs and flows, feast and famine, down times and up times, but August was epic. Well, truthfully, so was July.. and June wasn't so great either. We always see some fluctuation, people go on vacation, kids get out of school, teachers get uninspired with low numbers, it just happens. But this summer we saw numbers we haven't seen for 15 years. Seriously. 

Everyone kept saying "it's just summer, it'll get better." Usually the ones that say "it's just winter, it's just nice weather, it's just bad weather, it's just spring, summer, fall, etc." And there is some truth to that. However, I've been doing this a long time. I've seen the numbers rise and fall for 20 years. I know when people are getting bored and it's time to shake things up.

I also know when I shake things up, there are going to be some cranky people. Sigh. This makes the shaking up hard. But when a class only has 1 person coming... oy. 

I always send out a rough calendar a month before the next month starts. I encourage my teachers to think about the next month and decide what is working, what isn't working and what needs changed. Especially in September. There are a few months a year where we have an opportunity to get re-established on our schedules:  September. January. April. June. The worst months are always December. May. August.  So I sent the September schedule early.

Crickets.

Seriously. Did not hear from one teacher. Eek. Some teachers had dropped some long running classes. Put them on "hiatus". Guys, hiatus is over LOL. Anyways, I hate to nag, beg, or badger so I set about trying to figure out what everyone wanted. 

What. Everyone. Wanted. 

Impossible.

Barry & I have talked and talked and talked. Is this a sign that our beloved Imagine is done? How do you even BE done? Like, what do we do with the stuff? The people? Ourselves? Oh dear. Do I need to go back to doing my classes and appointments in my house? Say it isn't so...do you know how much dog hair is in my house on a daily basis? Oy... I decided to start praying.

And YAY! Stuff started happening. People started showing up. The chess game started aligning. I even heard from some of my teachers. Some. LOL. A beautiful angel showed up with a great spirit wanting to teach IN our studio. Experienced. Friendly. YaY! Some of my teachers came up with new/old events and classes they wanted to try. Even Barry decided he missed teaching and took back his old Thursday night spot! So that made me take back my Thursday slot. And made my Thursday yogis verrrrry happy. 

So, we'll see. After 3 days of re-aligning the website, mindbody, facebook et al, I have announced the changes. Knowing some people will be mad, glad, sad... sigh. The minute I pressed send the thought came to my mind loud and clear:

                   SHE HATH DONE WHAT SHE COULD

I have. I have done what I could. Now it's up to the Universe, the teachers, the students and the blessed internet gods. Not going to lie, I'm kinda excited! Fingers and toes crossed and what not!

Guys. Come to yoga. It will make you feel MUCH better. 

Facebook Memories

 If you have been living under a rock, or are smart enough not to be on facebook, you may not know that fb keeps track of everything you do, every picture, every post; and then they show them to you every day to remind you of how good things used to be. Or, how bad, depending on the year. Mostly, it's a nice reminder, an "oh yeah, remember when we..." Which is helpful for old folk.

Today a picture came up from a few years ago of my long held Tuesday morning class. For over 20 years, I have taught Mon/Weds 445pm, and Tues/used to be Thurs 1030am. The classes fluctuate based on the season, but I have been blessed with a fairly large loyal base of wonderful students. Not so much anymore. Thanks Covid.

I was staring down this picture this morning, who are these 17 yogis? Where did they go? Why don't they love me anymore? (yes, even at 61 years old I still have moments of teenage angst.) Sadly, some of the yogis in the picture have passed. A few still come to online classes... a very few. 

Originally, when the pandemic caused us to have to close the studio and go online, we had big classes. In fact, my mon/weds classes were bigger than we could've done in the studio-- one Monday I had 30 people in class online. It was crazy. I got emotional at the end of class... this was right at the beginning of all the fear and uncertainty over our health and wellbeing, personally and for the studio. I was happy to be able to keep all these people together, Imagine was such a wonderful community. 

Unfortunately, after 2.5 years of trying desperately to get back in studio, or at least do a little of both, our classes have dwindled to numbers I haven't seen since the very early days. It's heartbreaking. The teachers don't want to come in. The students don't want to come in. When we start to all feel safe enough to come in, another variant hits. I have teachers and students who say they will never come back. Just as I had many, many students who said they would never do online yoga.

We lost 2/3 of our students when we had to close the studio. 2/3! We have been operating at 1/3 capacity for 2 years, but recently, it has dwindled to a number I don't even want to discuss. There has been a couple saving graces:  Aerial yoga cannot be done online, and had a fairly thriving community until recently. I have a teacher who wanted to donate her time so she has been offering low cost yoga and has a nice following. These 2 things have been the only reason to even keep a studio. That and the hope it would get better.

I keep telling myself, hey, we've had a good run. We did amazing things, started from nothing, just me on a church floor with 1 or 2 students who would rather go to Glory Days for happy hour to a fully thriving yoga & wellness studio where hundreds (thousands?) have found solace. We kept going even when many, many studio had to close. We did some really great missions, and learned so much about ourselves and grew up on the way.

So, where do we go from here? I'm not embarrassed to say I have no idea. The variables are as plentiful as the variants. It's clear things will never be as they were. Sometimes I think I just need to go back to just me on the floor of my garage. Then I think about the dog hair.... ugh. Would it make a difference if I was there full time? Doubtful, even coming back once a month only brings 1 or 2 into the studio, esp. if a new variant has hit. Yoga as we know it is just an unknown. Interestingly, my Reiki clients have never stopped coming. As soon as we could re-open somewhat, my people came in. June 2020 they started and never stopped. But I could do Reiki at my home, and save a large amount of overhead. Ugh.

Right now, I am trying to keep getting the word out, advertising, re doing the website, recording all my workshops, even saving some classes to see if that is the way of the future as one of my teachers keeps telling me. Personally, I think an online community is more difficult to keep cohesive, especially over zoom where the loudest voice wins, but hey, all we can do is all we can do, right?

What do y'all think? Will there ever come a need for yoga studios in the future? Or have we just made it too daggone easy to stay home? How do we keep students motivated when they know they can just ask for a recording and do the class later... even though many have revealed they never actually do? It's a puzzling challenge... but I have always loved a puzzle.

Can I get a hint?

Hearing Aid Heroics

 So, my family mumbles. All of them. They like to speak to me from other rooms. Barry in particular talks like he has marbles in his mouth. Plus, they play games on me "Do you hear that bird? Those locusts? That car signal?" No. And quit making those sounds up!

Then covid... people talking with masks. At a social distance. NOT A WORD. Ugh, ordering at a restaurant, having to look at the family with a huge HUH? as they say THE BLESSING! (Nat. Lampoon Christmas Vacay IYKYK) 

Finally, I got sick of their shenanigans. I call an audiologist. Well, actually, I had to go through a huge rigmarole with ear, nose and throat and other fun places before I discovered what I needed to prove to them that they mumble was an audiologist to get a hearing test. "if I do this, will you then SPEAK UP?" They laughed at me.  As did the audiologist when I asked her if I could get a written note to let them know they mumble. And that using closed captions while watching shows was actually doing the employment industry a favor. 

Ummm. So. Turns out we were both right. They DO mumble. But, I have a pitch issue. I can hear fine. As long as it is in the right decibel. Hence, the bird, car alarm and locust issue. But, seriously, do I need to hear locusts? 

Basically, as the sound gets higher, they have to turn it up for me to get it. This is a problem because people do not speak in one tone, their voices go up and down. If you are only getting the low parts, you have trouble distinguishing words. Especially if they mumble. Like Barry. Solution:  stop mumbling and speak in a monotone. Easy enough!

But no. Apparently, and this freaked me out... hearing loss is one of the major reasons for dementia. AND it's because the parts of your brain tuned to certain frequencies will shut down if they are no longer needed. This is why it's so hard for old people to adjust to a hearing aid, the parts of their brain that heard are long gone. Poor Memom. I used to feel so bad for my mother in law, she would sit in a crowd and get really frustrated because she couldn't understand what people were saying. Except she could always understand me, because I TALK REALLY LOUD. Being deaf and all..

So fine. I got hearing aids. Everyone is all, don't worry, no one will see them. Well, sure, you could put an apple behind my ears and no one would see it with all this hair. But, there is something weird about having to stick something in your ears because people refuse to enunciate properly. And well, that whole, damn you're old thing. But, it is interesting to hear what I've been missing... like my own voice. Like, damn, I sing great with all those extra notes. LOL.

Here's what I've learned about hearing aids:

1. It is impossible to watch a show like Stranger Things with hearing aids in because you cannot throw the covers over your head and stick your fingers in your ears during the scary parts.

2. People around you will discover their own hearing issues when you no longer scream when you speak cause you can hear your own voice. (LOOKING AT YOU BARRY)

3. If your hearing aids lose batteries in a crowded store you will feel like you just entered a deaf twilight zone.

4. If you have to take your hearing aids out for xrays, the technician will then scream at you.

5. Some things are better left unheard.

6. Hearing loss is more common among women, especially those that listened to Led Zepplin on earphones every night in their teens. And went to loud rock concerts and followed bands around. Who knew?

7. Hearing aids help with tinnitus, which can be caused by your brain trying to hold onto those sounds you are losing. My very young audiologist wears them for this purpose.

All in all, other than the incredible expense, it hasn't been that big a deal. And here's the really cool thing:  My phone is automatically set so the sound comes directly into my ears! Phone calls, music, gps, it's wild. 

Except, when I play music for my yoga classes I don't realize they can't hear it. Cause it's in my ears, not on my player. So I have to keep asking Barry if he hears it too. Which he's sort of used to since I have to constantly ask if he saw that ghost too.

It ain't easy being me. But, I am grateful that I didn't wait til I was old to take care of this.

And stop it, I'm not that old. Shut up, or I'll beat you with my cane!

Theater

 So, part of what had to go last week was all of my theater stuff. I LOVED directing plays. It was one of the most tumultuous, exhilarating,, maddening, wonderful times of my life. I fell into it. My daughter loved to perform and ended up doing little kids theater and then kids and then big kids, dragging my son into it too. One of my favorite moments was when she was a black widow spider and my son was the exterminator.... Oh how I loved that costume. Once she was Little Red Riding Hood and he was the Baker in Into the Woods. Her SCREAM and him trying to shush her just felt like home. 

I started out just making crazy costumes, then became the mom who runs behind stage to try and help the kids, ended up as asst. producer, artistic director (which I absolutely loved), and then director (oy). It was only because I could not stand to see a kid uncomfortable on stage. One of the worst moments was my 14 year old son as Harold Hill having to pretend to be in love... ugh. It was only his 2nd play, and he had never had a girlfriend. I was irritated with the director, who had also never been in love and had no clue how to direct it. Ugh. Next thing you know, I'm in charge.

This is before I knew what an empath was. I literally squirmed and ached when kids weren't in the right role to showcase their talents, and I had very little to do with those choices. One of my greatest moments was opening night was when a patron came up and gushed, "OMG, what a stroke of genius to make the lead sing off key!!! So perfect for the role!!!". I just smiled and nodded, knowing that the real feat would've been to make him sing ON KEY, but that's called perfect casting...

I was thinking this morning about perfect casting. Landing in the perfect  place at the perfect time. Not trying to force something that isn't in your nature, but working with what you have. I had a business partner who hated the expression BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED. Personally, I loved it. She felt it was limiting, like you couldn't move or change things, you were basically stuck where you were. Being a gardener (and an epic furniture mover), I always took it as the conditions do not have to be perfect to bloom. And, if they aren't, then you can always transplant. 

I would never have thought I would be planted as a director. A yoga teacher. A reiki master. That was not the garden I started in. But when the seeds landed, and the roots took hold, I bloomed. We created a new garden filled with beautiful flowers, many who I am best friends with still, many kids who are now parents, many who I had the privilege of officiating their weddings. Ahhh, theater....

Was it perfect? NO. Did I make the most of it? YES. Plants are really not that finicky. I mean sure, if you need to be some prima donna rare orchid, it's going to require better conditions to bloom. But if you are okay being an african violet, you can pretty much survive, bloom and thrive in less than ideal conditions. 

Speaking of, does anyone want some african violets? I had 3, and now have 9. All blooming. Even though they kinda hate the beach. But, a little love, a little nurturing, some dirt. Perfect casting?

There's some major messages here. Just saying.

A Rip in the Matrix

 Sometimes, when Stephanie and I are doing the Astro-Forecast, I think maybe we are just becoming like weather forecasters freaking out over rain. But if I step back and look at the last 10 years, I think nah... times are crazy. Politically, socially, astrologically, and yes, even the weather seems over the top. 

We were in Bowie, our home town, last week. We go back and forth from the beach to the jungle every month. This was a quick trip, filled with insanity, and then we came back here to regroup. For the first time, in a long, long time, I have had tremendous trouble re-orienting. I keep waking up completely dazed, not knowing where I am. Usually it happens when I'm in Bowie, I open one eye, look for the sunrise and realize that I am in the jungle, ain't no sunrise or sunset out my windows. But then the dog stretches her paw into my back and I realize I am home.

For those of you who haven't been to my house "jungle" refers to the wildly out of control gardens and humongous trees in our yard. We can never see the sky in the spring/summer. It's a case of not being able to see the trees for the forest, you know?

We returned to the beach on Friday. Saturday, Barry & I were both just vague. Confused. Not feeling connected to our home here at all. After 3 years, it has in fact, become a home. But there was a vague otherworldly-ness going on. We thought maybe we needed to smudge, do some big time cleansing to let go of the week. We decided maybe we needed to go out and visit our buddies down here (which turned out to be a whole lot of drama in another way, not ours thank God!) Sunday wasn't any better. We started thinking maybe we picked up covid or something in Bowie. Something. Something for sure.

Finally, yesterday, it sort of hit me. In the space of 3-4 days, I had to do a major review and re-do of the last 10 years. I had to let go of things that were extremely dear to me. I had to remove some things with extremely bad memories. I had to go through a familiar scenario of being unheard, unresponded to. I had to question my allies, and rethink my enemies. And I had to do it on the fly, completely alone. Barry was having to return to his reality of the last 10 years before covid, traveling the beltway and being stuck in a cubicle with no ocean breeze. 

I think we were thrown in a time warp, with no time to process, and our brains got put into a constant go-go-go mode with a huge WTF going on in our hearts.

We've finally settled in a bit, not a lot. We've had some deep talks about the future and the necessity to finally start making some for real plans instead of living in this limbo. We had to admit that maybe for the first time in our 43 years together, we have no idea what the future holds, and honestly, are not even sure what it is we want it to hold. It's disorienting. Everything is temporary right now. Our homes, our jobs, our reality. 

All we can do, all of us, is try to take it a day at a time, with an eye on the future. Whatever that is. Anyone else feeling this way?

Cray Cray People Church

 I love what I do. I love seeing my wonderful clients and friends. I truly would live here year round...

EXCEPT

People cray cray.

I get here on Saturday after a 8 hour trip, with a chocked full schedule for a week. I love that my schedule is chocked full. I get to see lots of people, connect and share Reiki, and breathe deeply with others, really an irreplaceable joy.

My first task was a Reiki attunement on Sunday with some new Level 2's and some dear old friends. I get to the studio early to set up. I'm excited, as always, because attunement is great energy. I also have 3 more appointments that day with really interesting clients that I love to talk with. It was destined to be a great day, even with an 8 hour 95 hangover.

I bebop into our storage closet to get the tables to set up the altar and screech to a stop. Ummm. All of my stuff has been moved to one side, stacked precariously on top of everything, to the point that I can't begin to even get to my tables, let alone my cabinets, shelves or sink. WTF? I've had this storage area for over 10 years. In place of my stuff is a bunch of Christmas decorations. Ummmm. In July we are moving Christmas decorations? In front of and in place of my stuff? Again, WTF?

But, I am busy. I have people coming. Can't think about that now, I'll think of it tomorrow ala Scarlett O'Hara. I drag a very heavy table from another room and proceed with my day. I text the elder in charge of buildings and grounds and inform him of the situation. 

Monday comes. I hear nothing. But. I'm busy. Got no time to think about how I cannot access any of my stuff. I make do. And frankly I'm sad. I could've just called the reverend and he would have listened and reacted... but he had to go and die on us. And there's no one in charge now. I miss him so much. It's really hard being there without him. I just move on...

But then at 4am Tuesday morning I am shocked awake. WTF???? Who DOES this??? No notice, no questions asked, just go into someone's space and decide it is now your space? Not only moving my stuff but actually getting rid of some of my stuff??? Are you kidding me????

Oh dear. Now I'm mad. My brain starts spinning with all the other times this kind of nonsense has occurred. Something that would've taken a simple phone call or email "hey, we are really in need of space, could you help a brother out?" Yeah. I'm reasonable, I could help a Christian out... humpf. Christian being the in-operative word. I stew and stew and then finally say to myself, "ok, you've been here before, what is the solution?" Not taking the stuff and throwing it in the road... not setting fire to the place (lol, I am an Aries you know) but yeah, what would a reasonable adult do in this situation? Especially since I seem to be the only one....

So, I get up (fricking 5:15am) and proceed to write a very carefully worded email to the powers that be requesting future advance notice if they are going to suddenly take away anything that was designated as Imagine space for 10 fricking years. I then go over to the studio (fricking 8am) and proceed to remove EVERYTHING that is Imagine's from the space. Why? Welp, if they can move and throw away my stuff without any notice, I cannot trust that it won't continue. And, if they need the space, have at it-- it's a creepy rodent infested un-air conditioned/heated space with spider webs all over it. Go for it. AND the irony?  Most of the stuff isn't mine anyway... it was left behind from ghosts of the past. 

Sigh. After 3 very sweaty days, I got it all out. I notified my staff of the new spaces for our paper products and cleaning supplies. I put all the theater stuff in the theater shed and gave the new youth pastor the key-- she's a sweetie who was a theater kid so I left it in good hands. I removed mountains of trash, have mountains of stuff in a free giveaway pile and even donated some Christmas stuff to the pile of stuff that removed my stuff. 

Actually, I feel pretty good about it, and here's what I really feel proud of: I didn't remove the duct tape holding the door open so they can get into their stuff since the old doorknob has never worked. I mean, I could've.... but I didn't.

Even though I have yet to have any response to my email to the powers that be. Lordy.... shocking, isn't it?

Tarot

 

I love playing cards. I grew up in a household where card playing was important, I often had to partner with my Dad for canasta and believe me, you had better be good to be his partner. He could keep track of cards in his head, to the point that he knew what you were going to play even before you did. As tough as it was to be his partner, it was 1000 times worse to be his opponent. We played all kinds of card games- gin, 500, michigan & crazy rummy, blitz, spit, hearts, rook, you name it, we played it.

Naturally, tarot cards would intrigue me. And just like my dad, I could keep track of cards in my head. But I rapidly figured out that it wasn't my head that was telling me the cards... I wonder if he had the same helpers?

I started reading the cards in a fit of rebellion against the Baptist youth preacher who said I wasn't allowed to dance. WHAT? Something that gives so much joy is not allowed? Well, fine! I will quit your church and worse... I will read tarot cards too!  Oooo, such a rebel! Back in the 70s, reading tarot was totally taboo, right up there with Ouija boards and levitating. Yes, I also did those things. I mean, why not? I was already in trouble for dancing. 

I would always read cards just for fun. I never really took it as anything more than a game, just a party trick. People would be astounded, "how did you know that?" <Insert me shrugging and saying I dunno here>  I didn't realize what a tool for transformation the cards could be until much later. I always had a deck. Always just plain old Rider-Waite. Sometimes I would do readings, sometimes I would just play gin rummy with them.

Then I found the Osho Zen Tarot deck. I had experienced a very traumatic loss of a family member that left me fragile, vulnerable and rethinking everything & everybody in my whole life. Searching for answers, I began to simply pick a card everyday. Just one. It was spot on, exactly what I needed to hear to pick myself up and continue to fight to make the changes needed to create the life I was supposed to live, instead of playing the hand I had been dealt. (unironically, this was right around my first Saturn return- more on that in another post) The Zen deck spoke to me in a different way than the R-W. Deeper, less cartoonish, teaching me that nothing is really all good or all bad and that everything is useful.

When I started doing readings as my job, the zen deck was my go to. Sometimes I would supplement with R-W if the querent needed a hammer, but mostly they just needed confirmation that what they knew was true WAS.  Like, they know they need to quit their job, divorce their spouse, move or let go of toxicity; the cards verify it and empower them to do so. I have seen some really powerful transformations through readings. The cards do not lie. I cannot tell you how many times I have laid down a spread as my client bursts into tears. Men & women, the cards don't pull punches. Truth is the truth. And the cards help you to accept it. 

As I interpret, the words flow from a place beyond me. Sometimes, I feel like I am just along for the ride, almost as if I can step outside myself and listen to what is coming through -"damn, that was brilliant, wonder how I thought of that?" - LOL It really makes me chuckle sometimes. I'm surprised the querent doesn't think I'm nuts... ok, don't answer that, I know what you think. 

I don't read with the zen deck as much anymore. After 20 years, going through 4 versions of them, I find myself a bit jaded. The important thing about tarot is the images. A good reader sees something different every time, something that pertains exclusively to the querent - this is why using the text from the book as anything but confirmation is so useless- that's the authors interpretation, not the message for the client. There is lots of wisdom in the book... but the true wisdom is in the images. Or what you see in the images. Sometimes I think the images actually change... but yeah, that's me. I just trust the cards. 

I use lots of different decks and layouts. I have people who come to me from all over the world, online or in person, whenever they need to make a transition or to get some clarity. I teach tarot, in fact, have a class coming up soon. But what I am really teaching is trust. You know the truth. You know it. And if you don't, let's do a reading to help you see it. And then maybe we could play some gin rummy?