So, my family mumbles. All of them. They like to speak to me from other rooms. Barry in particular talks like he has marbles in his mouth. Plus, they play games on me "Do you hear that bird? Those locusts? That car signal?" No. And quit making those sounds up!
Then covid... people talking with masks. At a social distance. NOT A WORD. Ugh, ordering at a restaurant, having to look at the family with a huge HUH? as they say THE BLESSING! (Nat. Lampoon Christmas Vacay IYKYK)
Finally, I got sick of their shenanigans. I call an audiologist. Well, actually, I had to go through a huge rigmarole with ear, nose and throat and other fun places before I discovered what I needed to prove to them that they mumble was an audiologist to get a hearing test. "if I do this, will you then SPEAK UP?" They laughed at me. As did the audiologist when I asked her if I could get a written note to let them know they mumble. And that using closed captions while watching shows was actually doing the employment industry a favor.
Ummm. So. Turns out we were both right. They DO mumble. But, I have a pitch issue. I can hear fine. As long as it is in the right decibel. Hence, the bird, car alarm and locust issue. But, seriously, do I need to hear locusts?
But no. Apparently, and this freaked me out... hearing loss is one of the major reasons for dementia. AND it's because the parts of your brain tuned to certain frequencies will shut down if they are no longer needed. This is why it's so hard for old people to adjust to a hearing aid, the parts of their brain that heard are long gone. Poor Memom. I used to feel so bad for my mother in law, she would sit in a crowd and get really frustrated because she couldn't understand what people were saying. Except she could always understand me, because I TALK REALLY LOUD. Being deaf and all..
So fine. I got hearing aids. Everyone is all, don't worry, no one will see them. Well, sure, you could put an apple behind my ears and no one would see it with all this hair. But, there is something weird about having to stick something in your ears because people refuse to enunciate properly. And well, that whole, damn you're old thing. But, it is interesting to hear what I've been missing... like my own voice. Like, damn, I sing great with all those extra notes. LOL.
Here's what I've learned about hearing aids:
1. It is impossible to watch a show like Stranger Things with hearing aids in because you cannot throw the covers over your head and stick your fingers in your ears during the scary parts.
2. People around you will discover their own hearing issues when you no longer scream when you speak cause you can hear your own voice. (LOOKING AT YOU BARRY)
3. If your hearing aids lose batteries in a crowded store you will feel like you just entered a deaf twilight zone.
4. If you have to take your hearing aids out for xrays, the technician will then scream at you.
5. Some things are better left unheard.
6. Hearing loss is more common among women, especially those that listened to Led Zepplin on earphones every night in their teens. And went to loud rock concerts and followed bands around. Who knew?
7. Hearing aids help with tinnitus, which can be caused by your brain trying to hold onto those sounds you are losing. My very young audiologist wears them for this purpose.
All in all, other than the incredible expense, it hasn't been that big a deal. And here's the really cool thing: My phone is automatically set so the sound comes directly into my ears! Phone calls, music, gps, it's wild.
Except, when I play music for my yoga classes I don't realize they can't hear it. Cause it's in my ears, not on my player. So I have to keep asking Barry if he hears it too. Which he's sort of used to since I have to constantly ask if he saw that ghost too.
It ain't easy being me. But, I am grateful that I didn't wait til I was old to take care of this.
And stop it, I'm not that old. Shut up, or I'll beat you with my cane!
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