Wow.

 Finding words is hard. The tumultous insanity of the last year has been a lot. The purge continued... big time. Not wanting to be one of those "and then this happened and then that" kind of person, makes it hard to actually enuciate why I am having trouble with words, a rarity for me. Quick recap:  We sold our house. We closed the physical yoga studio. We have a beautiful grandson. My son is in love, planning on moving to California. We have moved all of our belongings to North Carolina, mostly in a storage shed. The move about broke us... mentally, physically, you name it. We are now living in the aftermath, a period I refer to as WTF was that???

And who are we now?

I have gone back to the drawing board, trying to remember when I was... well... me. So, tarot it is!

My reading yesterday summed it up, sorta.

Where I am:  2 cards popped into my hand. The Master and Slowing Down (knight of pentacles)

Oh yes. Remember when I was a Master? I used to be sooo, I don't know... wise? I had such a thirst for knowledge. I studied. I went on incredible trips to learn. Part of the text of the card says "if you haven't found someone who inspires you, keep looking". And look I did. Ashana, Ajeet. Snatum, Lisa Williams, Doreen Virtue,  the Leo King, KRI, some of the most incredible people I admired. Closer to home, I had people I felt so inferior to, I idolized them all .. until I really saw them. Or should I say, until I saw me. I saw the Master in me. And realized we were all the same. Even the big names, they were me, there was nothing they had that I didn't, I understood. and I grew. And I created. The slowing down card was on top of the Master, representing my search for home. Turtles carry their shell, their home, right on their back. but that's the dilemma. Where is my home? Where are my real people? Where can I be at ease?

I have made many enemies in this last cycle. Since the beginning of Imagine, I have had people profess to love me, only to spin on a dime and unfriend me; publically and personally. Being a business owner sets you up for lots of failure. People that want what you have, people that want you to give them what you have, people that will do almost anything to take what you have, people that love to get together with other people to talk about what you have. It's endless. I can't say that I have always responded to the constant pressure well. In fact, the more this went on, the less and less I reacted as a master and more like a cynical bitch. Pushed against the wall time and time again, and expected to always be serene is not easy for an Aries. I lashed back every now and then. And got hammered again and again. As my dear friends Pam and Don would say, "are you still a healer?" Sometimes no.

In the last 5 years, I have resisted being really close friends with anyone. I have tried really hard to just keep distance, not knowing where the next hammer will come from. The lesson:  It's way past time to slow down and be at ease where you are... and remember the Master you are. I know she's in there somewhere. 

How will you get where you are going:

Oh yes, Remember her? One of the few things that made it into storage was an old faded poster of the Queen of Rainbows, Flowering, my inspiration and significator. She is vibrantly alive, in balance and casting her seeds of wisdom where-ever she may, not caring where they land. When I started this cycle, that was a really powerful message for me, to just be me. Outcomes were irrelevant. I just truly enjoyed the process of learning, of sharing, of discovery. I got conned into partnering up time and again in the hope that I could be free from the mundane financial and people management aspect of Imagine, so I could continue to throw my seeds and share my joy of yoga, reiki, tarot and learning. How easy it was for me to give up my power, my money and my sanity, just wanting freedom. How will I get there? I guess I need to rebalance. Heal. Sit on my lotus and look to the light. 

I used to tell people that were in deep crisis that sometimes you just have to sit and breathe. They would ask how long? I would say, "for as long as it takes." Maybe I need to listen to what I've told others.

So, where am I going:

Sigh. 

And ugh.

This card, the knight of cups, feels like such a burden and a blessing. On the one hand, I don't know if I want to take a flying leap into the unknown. I might rather hide in my shell. I don't know that I trust that I won't go through the same crap I have the last 15 years. I made bad decisions, over and over. How can I be assured that I won't make the same ones, attract the same types of people, give up me for ... what? I don't even know. 

Yes I do.

I did it because I thought I had to. If God gives you a gift, you use it. You don't get to put it under a bushel (or in a shell) and just keep it to yourself. I am literally having a panic attack writing this. From the time I was a small child, I have been admonished to think of the starving children in China, and to give all that I have to others, because I am so damn lucky to have it. I am. I know it. I have a great mind. I've had great health. I have incredible empathy... and that's the curse. Or the burden. Even when I know a person is using me, even when I hear them trashing me on the camera, I still see the good in them. Even when they drop me like a hot potato with no explanation. 

Enough

I will work up to this card. Trust is hard. I have some healing to do. I promise not to become a recluse. I will carry on eventually but right now, I'm going to lay low. Let the dust settle and not even try to work it out. People treat you as you teach them. I'm no innocent bystander, but dayum, I'm done. 

A new beginning is forthcoming and I have no idea what that looks like. 

Kinda exciting.

And yes, I am still in here, I feel her.