Sometimes, when Stephanie and I are doing the Astro-Forecast, I think maybe we are just becoming like weather forecasters freaking out over rain. But if I step back and look at the last 10 years, I think nah... times are crazy. Politically, socially, astrologically, and yes, even the weather seems over the top.
We were in Bowie, our home town, last week. We go back and forth from the beach to the jungle every month. This was a quick trip, filled with insanity, and then we came back here to regroup. For the first time, in a long, long time, I have had tremendous trouble re-orienting. I keep waking up completely dazed, not knowing where I am. Usually it happens when I'm in Bowie, I open one eye, look for the sunrise and realize that I am in the jungle, ain't no sunrise or sunset out my windows. But then the dog stretches her paw into my back and I realize I am home.
For those of you who haven't been to my house "jungle" refers to the wildly out of control gardens and humongous trees in our yard. We can never see the sky in the spring/summer. It's a case of not being able to see the trees for the forest, you know?
We returned to the beach on Friday. Saturday, Barry & I were both just vague. Confused. Not feeling connected to our home here at all. After 3 years, it has in fact, become a home. But there was a vague otherworldly-ness going on. We thought maybe we needed to smudge, do some big time cleansing to let go of the week. We decided maybe we needed to go out and visit our buddies down here (which turned out to be a whole lot of drama in another way, not ours thank God!) Sunday wasn't any better. We started thinking maybe we picked up covid or something in Bowie. Something. Something for sure.
Finally, yesterday, it sort of hit me. In the space of 3-4 days, I had to do a major review and re-do of the last 10 years. I had to let go of things that were extremely dear to me. I had to remove some things with extremely bad memories. I had to go through a familiar scenario of being unheard, unresponded to. I had to question my allies, and rethink my enemies. And I had to do it on the fly, completely alone. Barry was having to return to his reality of the last 10 years before covid, traveling the beltway and being stuck in a cubicle with no ocean breeze.
I think we were thrown in a time warp, with no time to process, and our brains got put into a constant go-go-go mode with a huge WTF going on in our hearts.
We've finally settled in a bit, not a lot. We've had some deep talks about the future and the necessity to finally start making some for real plans instead of living in this limbo. We had to admit that maybe for the first time in our 43 years together, we have no idea what the future holds, and honestly, are not even sure what it is we want it to hold. It's disorienting. Everything is temporary right now. Our homes, our jobs, our reality.
All we can do, all of us, is try to take it a day at a time, with an eye on the future. Whatever that is. Anyone else feeling this way?
No comments:
Post a Comment