So, I live at the ocean. The picture on the background of this blog is my view. Every day. I get up, pour my tea, and look at the ocean. I do my work, teach my yoga, hold my appointments, read my books, clean my condo, watch tv and the ocean is right there. Every day. Sometimes I get really caught up in what I am doing and then I look up, focus and am surprised: The ocean is right there. And it keeps waving whether I look at it or not.
I have always wanted to live on the ocean. When I was a kid, my dad built condos on the Jersey shore and would take us with him for the summer because my mom was afraid to live in our house alone. The millionaires he worked for would let us stay in the rentals that were available, so often we would have to move week by week, but it was fabulous. I body-surfed all day, every day. Got burnt to a crisp since suntan lotion wasn't a thing then, slathering yourself with crisco and frying was the thing. The ocean was the one place I felt freedom. My mother was dedicated to her tan, so really couldn't be bothered with telling me what to do, plus she couldn't swim so she couldn't come in after me anyway.
I spend more time just looking at the ocean now. Walking in the waves. Listening to the constant soothing sounds of simplicity. We cannot believe we live here. The circumstances are bizarre, requiring a pandemic to realize a lifelong dream. My husband and I have been here for 2.5 years now. Every day we are stunned. "Can you believe we are here?" "No, so bizarre, whodathunkit?" We have struggled with guilt over leaving our home, our dog, our studio, our friends. We have struggled with adjusting to living in space a third of what we were used to. We have struggled with learning to garden in pots in a really hostile to plants environment. We have struggled with living in a place where the political climate is quite different than "home".
Home. We have really struggled with what is home. The other day, we were talking, "so, do you feel like this is home?" The answer is unfortunately, no. We will be going for our monthly trip to Maryland and the question will be the same. As will the answer. After almost 40 years in the same house, it no longer feels like home, it's just a place we go to work off our guiltiness at our good fortune. So, what is home?
We have learned that home is where we are. When we are with our friends, with our family, doing what we love, doing our jobs, we feel at home. It's not a place. It's not a thing. It's just us. There's a tarot card in the Osho deck with a turtle on it, symbolizing how the turtle takes its home with it where-ever it goes. The text says, "the essence is at ease, the essence is at ease". In todays world, it is very hard to feel at ease. Any where. But I have learned that when I look up, and the ocean is still waving at me, and I take a deep breath, and relax...
Ahhhh, the essence is at ease. Indeed.
