Yoga life

 15 minutes til the next class. 15 minutes since the last class was supposed to start. But.. no one showed up. August sucks. The excuses are epic:

It's too hot.

I'm having to xyz.

I forgot. 

I'm still nursing an xyz.

I'm on vacation. 

Some are valid. But, some... well, let's just say they are a bit sus.

Sus is how the kids say suspect if you are old like me.

I get it. I always said the number one reason I became a yoga teacher is so I would have to show up. It's WAY too easy to blow it off. I used to have friends/students that would wish no extras would show up so we could go to the local bar for a beer and bbq quesadillas, a much healthier alternative to yoga.. If extras showed everyone would groan and then do yoga. And then go on after class about how much they needed that.

Why are we like this? Why do we intentionally do stuff that we know is not going to make us feel better and avoid that which we know will lift us up? Why am I blogging instead of just going ahead and doing my own workout? Path of least resistance and what not.

I'm depressed. Like, seriously depressed more than I've been in a long time. I know exercise would make it better. But when you are depressed, it's easier to just be depressed. Do you think we are all just a nation of depressed fools resisting feeling better? 

Times are tough. But personally, times have been much tougher for me than they are now. But tough times are a distraction. You can focus on getting through, instead of focusing on now what. Now what is tougher than what's next. Now what means all the stuff you avoided while running your ass off taking care of all the bs in your life now requires some thought about why you created all the bs to begin with.

Ugh, who wants to think about that?

But yay, I'd like to stay but I gotta go teach... hopefully. 

One year ago...

 Facebook memories are a love em, hate em daily mix. Yesterday was a take your breath away day. It was one year ago that I closed the studio. A bunch of people sent me pics of the "Celebration" Open House, saying things like "end of an era" "can't believe it's been a year" and so on. It was a milestone. It was a milestone filled with bad decisions, just like a lot of things connected with the studio.

The message of my card today was "the deepest roots grow from the strongest winds." It was the wounded healer, which is interesting since Chiron just went retrograde. The card suggested that you write down all the wounds and then next to it, write down what you learned from the wound. Excellent advice, but who has that much time?

I knew before we incorporated Imagine that the partnership was a really bad idea. Everyone around me kept going on about how wonderful it was going to be, but I knew. I even told my partner I was out, but she shifted her line and we went ahead with it. We fought for a couple years, I was petrified she was going to use her lawyer to sue me, it was a lot. Our visions didn't mesh, but worse, neither did our work ethics. And frankly, I was trying to work less, not harder. She was followed by a number of climbers, who ironically banded together against me one by one after I got wise to them too. It was all crazy.

Many lessons and tremendous growth were available. Imagine changed me and my self esteem in a way that nothing else could. I am not sorry at all that I went through it all, but I am sorry I lost so many years fighting for something that was mine to begin with. 

When the landlord terminated me, I was grateful to be done with it all. But of course, I wasn't done with it. Once again, I made a decision to keep it going, letting them use my home, knowing it was wrong. Why? Because of the people that sent me messages yesterday... and last year... and every year. I know Imagine was a unique, once in a lifetime opportunity for many, not just me. The legacy of Imagine will go on, as will some form of it from me, the wounded healer. 

When I get backed into a corner, which is frequent, I will come out fighting. It takes a long time for me to get there, I give chance after chance after chance but then something unforgivable will happen, usually involving someone being cruel to someone else and then I'm done. Me done is not a good thing, fortunately it is a rare thing. 

The whole church thing is about that. The hypocrisy and the outright lies were hard to take. And the lack of accountability made it that much harder. The church secretary went out of her way to damage Imagine, even to the point of writing a nasty review on Yelp, annonymously of course. Stupidly too because she also wrote a review with the same name for their a/c company making it easy to figure out who it was. Time and again she was caught in lies, but she got lucky... the reverend who was on to her quit. And unfortunately, died. Which she then proceeded to let everyone know that he was abusive to her and ... on and on... Like how do you deal with that? There was no one in charge, the asst. pastor left, the interim pastor, the whole music staff, she just coasted through. Until ultimately, she got what she wanted and we got kicked out.

They said it was because we weren't a non profit. I won't even go into how ridiculous this was. That fight happened back in 2011 and ironically, it was my partner who did the bulk of the fighting to make us able to stay. My ex partner who was now on session, one of the "elders" who voted to kick me out. Along with the husband of one of my teachers... who is now teaching at the church. For free of course...

I have shaken my head so many times I'm suprised it hasn't fallen off. 

So, here's the thing. Over the insanity, I have become very clear on what is right and what is wrong. Yes, all of the above was wrong. But I am not arrogant enough to believe that I handled it right. Especially the latest jab. When I found out my teacher was teaching at the church, I reacted badly. I ran my mouth. I gossiped, I said bad things. I was in the process of selling my house and terrified that it was going to fall through, I behaved badly. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last if I allow myself to get stressed by my own stupid decisions.

But, I did a lot of really nice things too. I gave away thousands of dollars worth of stuff to anyone in need. And always have. That's why the non profit thing is so ridiculous. Especially ridiculous in that the church is requiring a 'love' offering from the people taking yoga. Like, if the money goes to them and not the person teaching the class, it's ok. I can't with all of that. And sadly, I don't know that I can ever step foot in a church again.

Sometimes healing requires stepping back and taking a good look at your part in the mess. I can't control any of the injustices that happened while I was in the arena (as Brene Brown says), but I can stand up and believe in me. And I do, I know I did incredible things for people out of love and respect. I know my heart was always in the right place even if my Aries fire wasn't. I know I never cut anyone out of my life without attempting, repeatedly to work things out. And I know that even after a relationship was severed, I made a point to reach out and let them know I was grateful for their part of our journey, even if it ended badly. 

I'm in a major crossroads right now. We sold our house after 44 years. I closed the physical part of the business after 20 years. My kids are in major life transistions too.  I'm not sure what's next. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know how I want to live. I don't know what my next mission is. But I do know the healing has to come first... and then the answers will come and the path will be shown. 

And so it is.

Politics... run!

 I know, I know, we aren't supposed to talk about politics. We are supposed to silently judge the "others' that do not think like us, and rant to our friends who do about "them" and so on. And it's really, really hard to not get super angry and use up a bunch of energy when we see inflammatory posts from those who don't follow the 'we aren't supposed to talk about politics' rule. 

This morning I saw a comment on a facebook page item that instantly made me hopping mad and outrageously incensed. It was a post about the DNC convention on a NC page and the jist of the comment was Dems should die and the president is a corpse and the vice is a DEI hire. Which btw, I had to look up the other day and I am apalled. I instantly started to respond to the comment with a fiery 'kiss your mother with that mouth?' post and then I realized I wasn't commenting as me... I was commenting as my business page, and hmmm, while I wouldn't want that scumbag to ever have any part of my business, it's probably not great to show all that anger on a peaceful site. So, I backspaced... and unfollowed the newsite that is clearly not unbiased and walked away. 

There's a story about 2 monks happening upon a women who desperately needed to cross a river. 1 monk picked her up and carried her across. The other monk, as they were continuing on their path, commented, "you know we aren't supposed to touch women, why did you carry her across the river?" The kind monk responded, "I let her down a while ago, why are you still carrying her?"

Sigh. What do we do with all this? How do we put it down? When it's so outrageous, it's so juicy, it's so inflammatory and offensive. What do we do?

I try and remain above it on my witness perch. I know intellectually, spiritually, rationally, emotionally that it serves no purpose. Scumbag is scumbag no matter what I say. And if I say anything, a dozen other scumbags will jump in, making Mr. Scumbag feel victorious. Not scumbags will also jump in and before you know it, it will be a ridiculous pointless exercise in futility.

But. WTH? Sometimes, in my witness perch, I miss stuff. I put up a post the other day about my olympic flag, and someone commented that I should burn it. WHAT??? How can we be against the Olympics? Am I cuckoo? So, I do a little research and find the most asinine bullshit about how the Olympics are mocking Jesus. 

Lordy. Posted by a woman who thinks Donald Dump is the next messiah. Seriously. 

It's really hard not to react. I try to react with quiet wisdom and not alot of words so we don't confuse the feeble minded... ooops... I mean, I try and find the truth and post it. simply. But I would like to go slap the silly goose. But she is not alone.

I posted a picture of Kamala Harris with a simple slogan "I'm with her". Stupid comments later but I felt like it is important to not be afraid of stupidity, and that if I say this is what I'm doing, maybe one person who is on the fence will look into considering doing the same. I instantly got text messages and pms from closet supporters who don't want to "be political but are so incensed about the hatred but don't want to fight with their best friends who called them an idiot when they said they might vote for ..."

Hmmm. Your best friend called you an idiot so you are afraid to support a reasonable candidate? Hmmm. Maybe it's time to get a new best friend? Of course, that begins the WHO WOULD LOSE A FRIEND OVER POLITICS? thread.  Is it politics or the fact that your friend called you an idiot because you don't think like them?

Can you tell I've sort of had it with all of it? The righteousness, the hypocrisy, the pc ness, the stunned/slammed into silence, all of it.  But alas, I do know that it's all just a mirror. We have to look at why we are angry. Why we want to fight. Why does a good rant feel so good? Why do I need to feel superior? Why is it they are so stupid? Oooops, that snuck in.

I really do send love and peace to all, and hope that sanity will prevail. But in the meantime, I'll be looking at the ocean, working my healing grids and laying as low as my Aries fire will allow.

Peace y'all.

Wow.

 Finding words is hard. The tumultous insanity of the last year has been a lot. The purge continued... big time. Not wanting to be one of those "and then this happened and then that" kind of person, makes it hard to actually enuciate why I am having trouble with words, a rarity for me. Quick recap:  We sold our house. We closed the physical yoga studio. We have a beautiful grandson. My son is in love, planning on moving to California. We have moved all of our belongings to North Carolina, mostly in a storage shed. The move about broke us... mentally, physically, you name it. We are now living in the aftermath, a period I refer to as WTF was that???

And who are we now?

I have gone back to the drawing board, trying to remember when I was... well... me. So, tarot it is!

My reading yesterday summed it up, sorta.

Where I am:  2 cards popped into my hand. The Master and Slowing Down (knight of pentacles)

Oh yes. Remember when I was a Master? I used to be sooo, I don't know... wise? I had such a thirst for knowledge. I studied. I went on incredible trips to learn. Part of the text of the card says "if you haven't found someone who inspires you, keep looking". And look I did. Ashana, Ajeet. Snatum, Lisa Williams, Doreen Virtue,  the Leo King, KRI, some of the most incredible people I admired. Closer to home, I had people I felt so inferior to, I idolized them all .. until I really saw them. Or should I say, until I saw me. I saw the Master in me. And realized we were all the same. Even the big names, they were me, there was nothing they had that I didn't, I understood. and I grew. And I created. The slowing down card was on top of the Master, representing my search for home. Turtles carry their shell, their home, right on their back. but that's the dilemma. Where is my home? Where are my real people? Where can I be at ease?

I have made many enemies in this last cycle. Since the beginning of Imagine, I have had people profess to love me, only to spin on a dime and unfriend me; publically and personally. Being a business owner sets you up for lots of failure. People that want what you have, people that want you to give them what you have, people that will do almost anything to take what you have, people that love to get together with other people to talk about what you have. It's endless. I can't say that I have always responded to the constant pressure well. In fact, the more this went on, the less and less I reacted as a master and more like a cynical bitch. Pushed against the wall time and time again, and expected to always be serene is not easy for an Aries. I lashed back every now and then. And got hammered again and again. As my dear friends Pam and Don would say, "are you still a healer?" Sometimes no.

In the last 5 years, I have resisted being really close friends with anyone. I have tried really hard to just keep distance, not knowing where the next hammer will come from. The lesson:  It's way past time to slow down and be at ease where you are... and remember the Master you are. I know she's in there somewhere. 

How will you get where you are going:

Oh yes, Remember her? One of the few things that made it into storage was an old faded poster of the Queen of Rainbows, Flowering, my inspiration and significator. She is vibrantly alive, in balance and casting her seeds of wisdom where-ever she may, not caring where they land. When I started this cycle, that was a really powerful message for me, to just be me. Outcomes were irrelevant. I just truly enjoyed the process of learning, of sharing, of discovery. I got conned into partnering up time and again in the hope that I could be free from the mundane financial and people management aspect of Imagine, so I could continue to throw my seeds and share my joy of yoga, reiki, tarot and learning. How easy it was for me to give up my power, my money and my sanity, just wanting freedom. How will I get there? I guess I need to rebalance. Heal. Sit on my lotus and look to the light. 

I used to tell people that were in deep crisis that sometimes you just have to sit and breathe. They would ask how long? I would say, "for as long as it takes." Maybe I need to listen to what I've told others.

So, where am I going:

Sigh. 

And ugh.

This card, the knight of cups, feels like such a burden and a blessing. On the one hand, I don't know if I want to take a flying leap into the unknown. I might rather hide in my shell. I don't know that I trust that I won't go through the same crap I have the last 15 years. I made bad decisions, over and over. How can I be assured that I won't make the same ones, attract the same types of people, give up me for ... what? I don't even know. 

Yes I do.

I did it because I thought I had to. If God gives you a gift, you use it. You don't get to put it under a bushel (or in a shell) and just keep it to yourself. I am literally having a panic attack writing this. From the time I was a small child, I have been admonished to think of the starving children in China, and to give all that I have to others, because I am so damn lucky to have it. I am. I know it. I have a great mind. I've had great health. I have incredible empathy... and that's the curse. Or the burden. Even when I know a person is using me, even when I hear them trashing me on the camera, I still see the good in them. Even when they drop me like a hot potato with no explanation. 

Enough

I will work up to this card. Trust is hard. I have some healing to do. I promise not to become a recluse. I will carry on eventually but right now, I'm going to lay low. Let the dust settle and not even try to work it out. People treat you as you teach them. I'm no innocent bystander, but dayum, I'm done. 

A new beginning is forthcoming and I have no idea what that looks like. 

Kinda exciting.

And yes, I am still in here, I feel her.

The Purge

 I think 2023 has been the year of the Great Purge. At least for me. The sheer amount of STUFF that has been released from my life is astonishing. Some of it I'm kinda sad about. Most of it I can't remember. I keep seeing pics from facebook memories and going HEY, what happened to that?? It's a blur. Especially the studio stuff. It was such an out of the blue shock I gave away just about everything. To students, to goodwill, to friends, it became just a lay over and play dead event. Take it... it's yours. 

Once we got the studio cleared and our home set up, I returned to the beach completely disoriented. I have spent the last 2 months simply trying to figure out what is left and where the hell is it. Had to tediously go through each cabinet, closet, drawers, storage units, bins, boxes... back and forth from md to nc. I still have some stuff I can't find... my father's important papers... some of my clothes... like, how did they get involved in this insanity? 

One of the first things I did after the studio closed was purge my facebook of all people who clearly did not give a rats ass about me. This week I deleted over 2000 contacts from my email/phone. It's astonishing to me how many acquaintances we accumulate in a life time. I am tired of trying to find an email address only to have to sort through a hundred people with R in their names... some that I never want to see their names again.. It's an ugh, oh yeah, THEM.

When I was a mortgage broker, I quickly learned the CYA rule. Cover your ass at all times. I held onto every incriminating email, phone message, anything that would hold up if I had to defend myself. You should see the file on the church secretary, what a horrific person. But now there is no need. Delete, delete, delete and watch the energy start to clear and get better. 

Think about it. We smudge our homes, clear our energy, put salt and tourmaline everywhere, avoid toxic places, etc. but what about what is in your face day in and day out? How can we serve the highest intention of the highest good if we are constantly bombarded with negative souls that do not have the same goals? It's one thing to send love and healing, it's another to be constantly reminded of those who send the opposite. Think about it-- most of us stop watching the news, getting the newspaper, doing everything we can to stop having the lower vibrations in our space. How about all the online spaces?

I have to say it has been extremely freeing. I feel better than I have for many years, probably about 14 to be exact. I'm not worried about what others are doing. I am surrounded by loving souls. I have time to think and not have to fight my own curiosity of what are they doing now? How else can I be convicted without a trial? I have attracted some pretty incredible opposition over the years, such is the life of a "boss", I've made mistakes, I've done stupid things, but most of them hurt me way more than anyone else. 14 years of it. But I've served my time. I don't need to ruminate on any of it anymore. In fact, I am fully willing to go into 2024 without any of my baggage... material or not.

500 people off my facebook and unfollowed 100 more. Most people on facebook cannot see what I post unless I decide to make it public. Deleted Twitter. Unfollowed a ton of Instagram people. 1000 contacts from my phone. 2500 clients off my mailchimp. All the so called ways business is supposed to be run is hogwash. I will slowly but surely return to what my mission was to begin with. 

I want to share yoga and healing with a SMALL group of people that are kindred spirits. So.... my question to you:

What should I call this? Imagine Wellness? Imagine Yolinna? Linda's Mission? Hmmm. 

 A year.

A whole year.

And what a year. I can't even begin to process it all. In one year:

1. My son bought a house and moved out. At 36.

2. We emptied our house to sell it, put it on the market and then took it off.

3. We got kicked out of our yoga studio, moved the studio stuff into our empty house and turned it into a temporary studio.

4. We went to Europe, Barry's first time out of the country.

5. My daughter announced she was pregnant. Our first grandchild. 

Is that enough? Cause it seems like just the tip of the iceberg. The worst has been the back and forth.. clearing the house, and then clearing the studio, and now clearing the storage unit and condo that was holding all the house stuff, and oh yeah, Barry being told he has to go back to work in Maryland 3 days a week... and then not... and then yes... and then not... and now "an answer in 2 weeks"... if the Republicans don't shut down the government.

I am an Aries with Libra rising. That may mean nothing to most people, but I get my gung-ho and leadership and courage from my sun... and my peace, balance and difficulty making decisions from my rising. And I think my Libra is broke. Like, seriously, sitting at a restaurant trying to figure out what to order has put me over the edge. After making 4 million decisions about should we keep this or should we move here and where should we put that... I'm done. Put a fork in me.

I know this all means something and I am being led in new directions but the twists and turns are epic. Just in the last week I heard a very nasty conversation with me as the star, that led me to thinking yeah, I'm over this... and then got an offer to share space with a wonderful new friend in NC... and we decided to buy a car so I could have some mobility when/if Barry has to return to work, only to have the car and every other car in a 50 mile radius sold out from under us while I was meeting new friend.

You just gotta laugh. Seriously, I can't even. Again, tip of the iceberg. 

I took this week at the beach by myself to try and make some sense of it all. I did a tarot reading yesterday which just flat out mocked me. 

1. The Tower was in What is being shaken loose in my life? Basically, EVERYTHING.

2. How do I best stay safe on a material level? 7 of swords... gather all you can, run and know you will leave some behind.

3. What can I do to nurture my state of calm? Just do your work. Honestly and diligently. I would have loved a bit of insight into WHERE but yeah. 

4. What is coming to a head in my personal life? King of Cups. This made sense and felt positive but it's personal LOL

5. How can I best serve the collective for the Highest Good in the next 100 days? THE DEVIL, like WTF? Figure out what I'm chained to? Know that I am surrounded with demons? Don't let my head lead me astray? Oy.

6. What is being released from my life permanently? 3 of pentacles.... Teamwork, as in does NOT make the dreamwork in my life. Stop mentoring people who don't want to listen anyway? This is interesting because new friend has had some similar icky business experiences and we both agreed we would not be partners, or work for one another, or even together. Hmmm. reinforcement.

7. How can I find the best balance between light and dark this winter. Queen of Pentacles. As in, remember who you freaking are. This is my significator card, Queen of Rainbows. I love that the top card is King of Cups and bottom is Queen of Pentacles. That's interesting. 

Anyway. I have done some major purging this year. Of stuff. Of people. Of organizations. Of outdated ideas that aren't based on anything but insecurity. The nasty convo I heard initially took me back to the continued nasty that has surrounded me in business for years, just when you thought it was safe... they attack! LOL But, in a way, I see it as a total positive for 2024 decisions. I keep holding on thinking I am helping people, but really, that's not the case.I'm just giving them something to talk about ... cue Bonnie Raitt.

Yesterday, I told a client she needed to write 100 things she was going to do differently in 2024 to get unstuck and create what she wants. I don't know if I have 100, but I will certainly have a few. Let's begin:

1. Do what is best for you and your family and the hell with the rest.

What's your number 1 for 2024? 

September

 It's here. September. Some say the most wonderful time of the year. Some say oh no! Back to school and schedules! Some who are sick of heat welcome the cooler temperatures... ummm, maybe eventually? Some who hate the cold see this as a horrible downslide into the inevitability of winter, fighting, kicking and screaming like Ralphie being pushed down the chute by Santa before he got to ask for a Red Rider BB Gun with laser sighting.... and then winter says you'll shoot your eye out!

I digress. I don't feel strongly one way or the other about September. Sort of. I do get sick of heat. I do like when the weather shifts and the crowds at the beach go home. But I'm a sunshine lover. I'm ambivalent about pumpkin spice. Haven't been to Starbucks in a hundreds years. Don't like sweaters. And frankly, not a fan of winter and the holiday hoopla since the kids have grown and it becomes a traveling logistical nightmare.

BUT. I do love fresh starts and new beginnings and September is right up there with birthdays, new years, retirement, new relationships and all the other things that make you stop and consider how you are living your life and what you want the next year to bring. I love that. I love making plans, and get impatient waiting for the new beginning to begin. This week is tough, we've waited and waited for Labor Day to begin new classes, new schedule, and now all there is to do is see if whatever we've changed will fly. 

Labor day weekend was wonderful, sort of. No classes, I had surgery so had to lay low, read books, stare at the ocean and relax. I have to admit to a teensy, tinesy bit of boredom/impatience on Monday, like let's just get on with it if it's going to go away anyway!  But I did have that marvelous sense of anticipation that comes with a new schedule... kind of like the minute you buy a lottery ticket and think you could be a millionaire! Not that the schedule will do anything other than HOPEFULLY give people what they want so they come back to class. But yeah, we will see :)

When the kids were in school, September meant new outfits, new school supplies, new backpacks, new everything. When the kids graduated, we had to Marie Kondo a bazillion pencils, bookbags, and 50 calculators, not to mention the endless stream of goodwill clothing dropped off yearly. The excitement of all things new was the fun of it all. Now we know better to stop the consumerism... but I miss the fun! But need nothing. What to do to bring the promise of September to our heart?

Journal. Do a reading. Pull out your calendar. Make some travel plans. Clear space for new beginnings. Pick something to do each day that reflects the hope of Fall. Winter. Spring. Summer. Make a new altar. Revise your grid. Harvest your herbs. Put together new essential oil blends (not pumpkin, sheesh, why the obsession?) Smudge. (haha see how that went together?)

Do yoga. Lift weights. Dance. Sing. Build up strength to carry you through the winter! (shameless plug for Imagine)

Love to all, 

Linna