One year ago...

 Facebook memories are a love em, hate em daily mix. Yesterday was a take your breath away day. It was one year ago that I closed the studio. A bunch of people sent me pics of the "Celebration" Open House, saying things like "end of an era" "can't believe it's been a year" and so on. It was a milestone. It was a milestone filled with bad decisions, just like a lot of things connected with the studio.

The message of my card today was "the deepest roots grow from the strongest winds." It was the wounded healer, which is interesting since Chiron just went retrograde. The card suggested that you write down all the wounds and then next to it, write down what you learned from the wound. Excellent advice, but who has that much time?

I knew before we incorporated Imagine that the partnership was a really bad idea. Everyone around me kept going on about how wonderful it was going to be, but I knew. I even told my partner I was out, but she shifted her line and we went ahead with it. We fought for a couple years, I was petrified she was going to use her lawyer to sue me, it was a lot. Our visions didn't mesh, but worse, neither did our work ethics. And frankly, I was trying to work less, not harder. She was followed by a number of climbers, who ironically banded together against me one by one after I got wise to them too. It was all crazy.

Many lessons and tremendous growth were available. Imagine changed me and my self esteem in a way that nothing else could. I am not sorry at all that I went through it all, but I am sorry I lost so many years fighting for something that was mine to begin with. 

When the landlord terminated me, I was grateful to be done with it all. But of course, I wasn't done with it. Once again, I made a decision to keep it going, letting them use my home, knowing it was wrong. Why? Because of the people that sent me messages yesterday... and last year... and every year. I know Imagine was a unique, once in a lifetime opportunity for many, not just me. The legacy of Imagine will go on, as will some form of it from me, the wounded healer. 

When I get backed into a corner, which is frequent, I will come out fighting. It takes a long time for me to get there, I give chance after chance after chance but then something unforgivable will happen, usually involving someone being cruel to someone else and then I'm done. Me done is not a good thing, fortunately it is a rare thing. 

The whole church thing is about that. The hypocrisy and the outright lies were hard to take. And the lack of accountability made it that much harder. The church secretary went out of her way to damage Imagine, even to the point of writing a nasty review on Yelp, annonymously of course. Stupidly too because she also wrote a review with the same name for their a/c company making it easy to figure out who it was. Time and again she was caught in lies, but she got lucky... the reverend who was on to her quit. And unfortunately, died. Which she then proceeded to let everyone know that he was abusive to her and ... on and on... Like how do you deal with that? There was no one in charge, the asst. pastor left, the interim pastor, the whole music staff, she just coasted through. Until ultimately, she got what she wanted and we got kicked out.

They said it was because we weren't a non profit. I won't even go into how ridiculous this was. That fight happened back in 2011 and ironically, it was my partner who did the bulk of the fighting to make us able to stay. My ex partner who was now on session, one of the "elders" who voted to kick me out. Along with the husband of one of my teachers... who is now teaching at the church. For free of course...

I have shaken my head so many times I'm suprised it hasn't fallen off. 

So, here's the thing. Over the insanity, I have become very clear on what is right and what is wrong. Yes, all of the above was wrong. But I am not arrogant enough to believe that I handled it right. Especially the latest jab. When I found out my teacher was teaching at the church, I reacted badly. I ran my mouth. I gossiped, I said bad things. I was in the process of selling my house and terrified that it was going to fall through, I behaved badly. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last if I allow myself to get stressed by my own stupid decisions.

But, I did a lot of really nice things too. I gave away thousands of dollars worth of stuff to anyone in need. And always have. That's why the non profit thing is so ridiculous. Especially ridiculous in that the church is requiring a 'love' offering from the people taking yoga. Like, if the money goes to them and not the person teaching the class, it's ok. I can't with all of that. And sadly, I don't know that I can ever step foot in a church again.

Sometimes healing requires stepping back and taking a good look at your part in the mess. I can't control any of the injustices that happened while I was in the arena (as Brene Brown says), but I can stand up and believe in me. And I do, I know I did incredible things for people out of love and respect. I know my heart was always in the right place even if my Aries fire wasn't. I know I never cut anyone out of my life without attempting, repeatedly to work things out. And I know that even after a relationship was severed, I made a point to reach out and let them know I was grateful for their part of our journey, even if it ended badly. 

I'm in a major crossroads right now. We sold our house after 44 years. I closed the physical part of the business after 20 years. My kids are in major life transistions too.  I'm not sure what's next. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know how I want to live. I don't know what my next mission is. But I do know the healing has to come first... and then the answers will come and the path will be shown. 

And so it is.