A year.

A whole year.

And what a year. I can't even begin to process it all. In one year:

1. My son bought a house and moved out. At 36.

2. We emptied our house to sell it, put it on the market and then took it off.

3. We got kicked out of our yoga studio, moved the studio stuff into our empty house and turned it into a temporary studio.

4. We went to Europe, Barry's first time out of the country.

5. My daughter announced she was pregnant. Our first grandchild. 

Is that enough? Cause it seems like just the tip of the iceberg. The worst has been the back and forth.. clearing the house, and then clearing the studio, and now clearing the storage unit and condo that was holding all the house stuff, and oh yeah, Barry being told he has to go back to work in Maryland 3 days a week... and then not... and then yes... and then not... and now "an answer in 2 weeks"... if the Republicans don't shut down the government.

I am an Aries with Libra rising. That may mean nothing to most people, but I get my gung-ho and leadership and courage from my sun... and my peace, balance and difficulty making decisions from my rising. And I think my Libra is broke. Like, seriously, sitting at a restaurant trying to figure out what to order has put me over the edge. After making 4 million decisions about should we keep this or should we move here and where should we put that... I'm done. Put a fork in me.

I know this all means something and I am being led in new directions but the twists and turns are epic. Just in the last week I heard a very nasty conversation with me as the star, that led me to thinking yeah, I'm over this... and then got an offer to share space with a wonderful new friend in NC... and we decided to buy a car so I could have some mobility when/if Barry has to return to work, only to have the car and every other car in a 50 mile radius sold out from under us while I was meeting new friend.

You just gotta laugh. Seriously, I can't even. Again, tip of the iceberg. 

I took this week at the beach by myself to try and make some sense of it all. I did a tarot reading yesterday which just flat out mocked me. 

1. The Tower was in What is being shaken loose in my life? Basically, EVERYTHING.

2. How do I best stay safe on a material level? 7 of swords... gather all you can, run and know you will leave some behind.

3. What can I do to nurture my state of calm? Just do your work. Honestly and diligently. I would have loved a bit of insight into WHERE but yeah. 

4. What is coming to a head in my personal life? King of Cups. This made sense and felt positive but it's personal LOL

5. How can I best serve the collective for the Highest Good in the next 100 days? THE DEVIL, like WTF? Figure out what I'm chained to? Know that I am surrounded with demons? Don't let my head lead me astray? Oy.

6. What is being released from my life permanently? 3 of pentacles.... Teamwork, as in does NOT make the dreamwork in my life. Stop mentoring people who don't want to listen anyway? This is interesting because new friend has had some similar icky business experiences and we both agreed we would not be partners, or work for one another, or even together. Hmmm. reinforcement.

7. How can I find the best balance between light and dark this winter. Queen of Pentacles. As in, remember who you freaking are. This is my significator card, Queen of Rainbows. I love that the top card is King of Cups and bottom is Queen of Pentacles. That's interesting. 

Anyway. I have done some major purging this year. Of stuff. Of people. Of organizations. Of outdated ideas that aren't based on anything but insecurity. The nasty convo I heard initially took me back to the continued nasty that has surrounded me in business for years, just when you thought it was safe... they attack! LOL But, in a way, I see it as a total positive for 2024 decisions. I keep holding on thinking I am helping people, but really, that's not the case.I'm just giving them something to talk about ... cue Bonnie Raitt.

Yesterday, I told a client she needed to write 100 things she was going to do differently in 2024 to get unstuck and create what she wants. I don't know if I have 100, but I will certainly have a few. Let's begin:

1. Do what is best for you and your family and the hell with the rest.

What's your number 1 for 2024? 

September

 It's here. September. Some say the most wonderful time of the year. Some say oh no! Back to school and schedules! Some who are sick of heat welcome the cooler temperatures... ummm, maybe eventually? Some who hate the cold see this as a horrible downslide into the inevitability of winter, fighting, kicking and screaming like Ralphie being pushed down the chute by Santa before he got to ask for a Red Rider BB Gun with laser sighting.... and then winter says you'll shoot your eye out!

I digress. I don't feel strongly one way or the other about September. Sort of. I do get sick of heat. I do like when the weather shifts and the crowds at the beach go home. But I'm a sunshine lover. I'm ambivalent about pumpkin spice. Haven't been to Starbucks in a hundreds years. Don't like sweaters. And frankly, not a fan of winter and the holiday hoopla since the kids have grown and it becomes a traveling logistical nightmare.

BUT. I do love fresh starts and new beginnings and September is right up there with birthdays, new years, retirement, new relationships and all the other things that make you stop and consider how you are living your life and what you want the next year to bring. I love that. I love making plans, and get impatient waiting for the new beginning to begin. This week is tough, we've waited and waited for Labor Day to begin new classes, new schedule, and now all there is to do is see if whatever we've changed will fly. 

Labor day weekend was wonderful, sort of. No classes, I had surgery so had to lay low, read books, stare at the ocean and relax. I have to admit to a teensy, tinesy bit of boredom/impatience on Monday, like let's just get on with it if it's going to go away anyway!  But I did have that marvelous sense of anticipation that comes with a new schedule... kind of like the minute you buy a lottery ticket and think you could be a millionaire! Not that the schedule will do anything other than HOPEFULLY give people what they want so they come back to class. But yeah, we will see :)

When the kids were in school, September meant new outfits, new school supplies, new backpacks, new everything. When the kids graduated, we had to Marie Kondo a bazillion pencils, bookbags, and 50 calculators, not to mention the endless stream of goodwill clothing dropped off yearly. The excitement of all things new was the fun of it all. Now we know better to stop the consumerism... but I miss the fun! But need nothing. What to do to bring the promise of September to our heart?

Journal. Do a reading. Pull out your calendar. Make some travel plans. Clear space for new beginnings. Pick something to do each day that reflects the hope of Fall. Winter. Spring. Summer. Make a new altar. Revise your grid. Harvest your herbs. Put together new essential oil blends (not pumpkin, sheesh, why the obsession?) Smudge. (haha see how that went together?)

Do yoga. Lift weights. Dance. Sing. Build up strength to carry you through the winter! (shameless plug for Imagine)

Love to all, 

Linna

August

 Man, August was a crazy month... 

In my business, there are ebbs and flows, feast and famine, down times and up times, but August was epic. Well, truthfully, so was July.. and June wasn't so great either. We always see some fluctuation, people go on vacation, kids get out of school, teachers get uninspired with low numbers, it just happens. But this summer we saw numbers we haven't seen for 15 years. Seriously. 

Everyone kept saying "it's just summer, it'll get better." Usually the ones that say "it's just winter, it's just nice weather, it's just bad weather, it's just spring, summer, fall, etc." And there is some truth to that. However, I've been doing this a long time. I've seen the numbers rise and fall for 20 years. I know when people are getting bored and it's time to shake things up.

I also know when I shake things up, there are going to be some cranky people. Sigh. This makes the shaking up hard. But when a class only has 1 person coming... oy. 

I always send out a rough calendar a month before the next month starts. I encourage my teachers to think about the next month and decide what is working, what isn't working and what needs changed. Especially in September. There are a few months a year where we have an opportunity to get re-established on our schedules:  September. January. April. June. The worst months are always December. May. August.  So I sent the September schedule early.

Crickets.

Seriously. Did not hear from one teacher. Eek. Some teachers had dropped some long running classes. Put them on "hiatus". Guys, hiatus is over LOL. Anyways, I hate to nag, beg, or badger so I set about trying to figure out what everyone wanted. 

What. Everyone. Wanted. 

Impossible.

Barry & I have talked and talked and talked. Is this a sign that our beloved Imagine is done? How do you even BE done? Like, what do we do with the stuff? The people? Ourselves? Oh dear. Do I need to go back to doing my classes and appointments in my house? Say it isn't so...do you know how much dog hair is in my house on a daily basis? Oy... I decided to start praying.

And YAY! Stuff started happening. People started showing up. The chess game started aligning. I even heard from some of my teachers. Some. LOL. A beautiful angel showed up with a great spirit wanting to teach IN our studio. Experienced. Friendly. YaY! Some of my teachers came up with new/old events and classes they wanted to try. Even Barry decided he missed teaching and took back his old Thursday night spot! So that made me take back my Thursday slot. And made my Thursday yogis verrrrry happy. 

So, we'll see. After 3 days of re-aligning the website, mindbody, facebook et al, I have announced the changes. Knowing some people will be mad, glad, sad... sigh. The minute I pressed send the thought came to my mind loud and clear:

                   SHE HATH DONE WHAT SHE COULD

I have. I have done what I could. Now it's up to the Universe, the teachers, the students and the blessed internet gods. Not going to lie, I'm kinda excited! Fingers and toes crossed and what not!

Guys. Come to yoga. It will make you feel MUCH better. 

Facebook Memories

 If you have been living under a rock, or are smart enough not to be on facebook, you may not know that fb keeps track of everything you do, every picture, every post; and then they show them to you every day to remind you of how good things used to be. Or, how bad, depending on the year. Mostly, it's a nice reminder, an "oh yeah, remember when we..." Which is helpful for old folk.

Today a picture came up from a few years ago of my long held Tuesday morning class. For over 20 years, I have taught Mon/Weds 445pm, and Tues/used to be Thurs 1030am. The classes fluctuate based on the season, but I have been blessed with a fairly large loyal base of wonderful students. Not so much anymore. Thanks Covid.

I was staring down this picture this morning, who are these 17 yogis? Where did they go? Why don't they love me anymore? (yes, even at 61 years old I still have moments of teenage angst.) Sadly, some of the yogis in the picture have passed. A few still come to online classes... a very few. 

Originally, when the pandemic caused us to have to close the studio and go online, we had big classes. In fact, my mon/weds classes were bigger than we could've done in the studio-- one Monday I had 30 people in class online. It was crazy. I got emotional at the end of class... this was right at the beginning of all the fear and uncertainty over our health and wellbeing, personally and for the studio. I was happy to be able to keep all these people together, Imagine was such a wonderful community. 

Unfortunately, after 2.5 years of trying desperately to get back in studio, or at least do a little of both, our classes have dwindled to numbers I haven't seen since the very early days. It's heartbreaking. The teachers don't want to come in. The students don't want to come in. When we start to all feel safe enough to come in, another variant hits. I have teachers and students who say they will never come back. Just as I had many, many students who said they would never do online yoga.

We lost 2/3 of our students when we had to close the studio. 2/3! We have been operating at 1/3 capacity for 2 years, but recently, it has dwindled to a number I don't even want to discuss. There has been a couple saving graces:  Aerial yoga cannot be done online, and had a fairly thriving community until recently. I have a teacher who wanted to donate her time so she has been offering low cost yoga and has a nice following. These 2 things have been the only reason to even keep a studio. That and the hope it would get better.

I keep telling myself, hey, we've had a good run. We did amazing things, started from nothing, just me on a church floor with 1 or 2 students who would rather go to Glory Days for happy hour to a fully thriving yoga & wellness studio where hundreds (thousands?) have found solace. We kept going even when many, many studio had to close. We did some really great missions, and learned so much about ourselves and grew up on the way.

So, where do we go from here? I'm not embarrassed to say I have no idea. The variables are as plentiful as the variants. It's clear things will never be as they were. Sometimes I think I just need to go back to just me on the floor of my garage. Then I think about the dog hair.... ugh. Would it make a difference if I was there full time? Doubtful, even coming back once a month only brings 1 or 2 into the studio, esp. if a new variant has hit. Yoga as we know it is just an unknown. Interestingly, my Reiki clients have never stopped coming. As soon as we could re-open somewhat, my people came in. June 2020 they started and never stopped. But I could do Reiki at my home, and save a large amount of overhead. Ugh.

Right now, I am trying to keep getting the word out, advertising, re doing the website, recording all my workshops, even saving some classes to see if that is the way of the future as one of my teachers keeps telling me. Personally, I think an online community is more difficult to keep cohesive, especially over zoom where the loudest voice wins, but hey, all we can do is all we can do, right?

What do y'all think? Will there ever come a need for yoga studios in the future? Or have we just made it too daggone easy to stay home? How do we keep students motivated when they know they can just ask for a recording and do the class later... even though many have revealed they never actually do? It's a puzzling challenge... but I have always loved a puzzle.

Can I get a hint?

Hearing Aid Heroics

 So, my family mumbles. All of them. They like to speak to me from other rooms. Barry in particular talks like he has marbles in his mouth. Plus, they play games on me "Do you hear that bird? Those locusts? That car signal?" No. And quit making those sounds up!

Then covid... people talking with masks. At a social distance. NOT A WORD. Ugh, ordering at a restaurant, having to look at the family with a huge HUH? as they say THE BLESSING! (Nat. Lampoon Christmas Vacay IYKYK) 

Finally, I got sick of their shenanigans. I call an audiologist. Well, actually, I had to go through a huge rigmarole with ear, nose and throat and other fun places before I discovered what I needed to prove to them that they mumble was an audiologist to get a hearing test. "if I do this, will you then SPEAK UP?" They laughed at me.  As did the audiologist when I asked her if I could get a written note to let them know they mumble. And that using closed captions while watching shows was actually doing the employment industry a favor. 

Ummm. So. Turns out we were both right. They DO mumble. But, I have a pitch issue. I can hear fine. As long as it is in the right decibel. Hence, the bird, car alarm and locust issue. But, seriously, do I need to hear locusts? 

Basically, as the sound gets higher, they have to turn it up for me to get it. This is a problem because people do not speak in one tone, their voices go up and down. If you are only getting the low parts, you have trouble distinguishing words. Especially if they mumble. Like Barry. Solution:  stop mumbling and speak in a monotone. Easy enough!

But no. Apparently, and this freaked me out... hearing loss is one of the major reasons for dementia. AND it's because the parts of your brain tuned to certain frequencies will shut down if they are no longer needed. This is why it's so hard for old people to adjust to a hearing aid, the parts of their brain that heard are long gone. Poor Memom. I used to feel so bad for my mother in law, she would sit in a crowd and get really frustrated because she couldn't understand what people were saying. Except she could always understand me, because I TALK REALLY LOUD. Being deaf and all..

So fine. I got hearing aids. Everyone is all, don't worry, no one will see them. Well, sure, you could put an apple behind my ears and no one would see it with all this hair. But, there is something weird about having to stick something in your ears because people refuse to enunciate properly. And well, that whole, damn you're old thing. But, it is interesting to hear what I've been missing... like my own voice. Like, damn, I sing great with all those extra notes. LOL.

Here's what I've learned about hearing aids:

1. It is impossible to watch a show like Stranger Things with hearing aids in because you cannot throw the covers over your head and stick your fingers in your ears during the scary parts.

2. People around you will discover their own hearing issues when you no longer scream when you speak cause you can hear your own voice. (LOOKING AT YOU BARRY)

3. If your hearing aids lose batteries in a crowded store you will feel like you just entered a deaf twilight zone.

4. If you have to take your hearing aids out for xrays, the technician will then scream at you.

5. Some things are better left unheard.

6. Hearing loss is more common among women, especially those that listened to Led Zepplin on earphones every night in their teens. And went to loud rock concerts and followed bands around. Who knew?

7. Hearing aids help with tinnitus, which can be caused by your brain trying to hold onto those sounds you are losing. My very young audiologist wears them for this purpose.

All in all, other than the incredible expense, it hasn't been that big a deal. And here's the really cool thing:  My phone is automatically set so the sound comes directly into my ears! Phone calls, music, gps, it's wild. 

Except, when I play music for my yoga classes I don't realize they can't hear it. Cause it's in my ears, not on my player. So I have to keep asking Barry if he hears it too. Which he's sort of used to since I have to constantly ask if he saw that ghost too.

It ain't easy being me. But, I am grateful that I didn't wait til I was old to take care of this.

And stop it, I'm not that old. Shut up, or I'll beat you with my cane!

Theater

 So, part of what had to go last week was all of my theater stuff. I LOVED directing plays. It was one of the most tumultuous, exhilarating,, maddening, wonderful times of my life. I fell into it. My daughter loved to perform and ended up doing little kids theater and then kids and then big kids, dragging my son into it too. One of my favorite moments was when she was a black widow spider and my son was the exterminator.... Oh how I loved that costume. Once she was Little Red Riding Hood and he was the Baker in Into the Woods. Her SCREAM and him trying to shush her just felt like home. 

I started out just making crazy costumes, then became the mom who runs behind stage to try and help the kids, ended up as asst. producer, artistic director (which I absolutely loved), and then director (oy). It was only because I could not stand to see a kid uncomfortable on stage. One of the worst moments was my 14 year old son as Harold Hill having to pretend to be in love... ugh. It was only his 2nd play, and he had never had a girlfriend. I was irritated with the director, who had also never been in love and had no clue how to direct it. Ugh. Next thing you know, I'm in charge.

This is before I knew what an empath was. I literally squirmed and ached when kids weren't in the right role to showcase their talents, and I had very little to do with those choices. One of my greatest moments was opening night was when a patron came up and gushed, "OMG, what a stroke of genius to make the lead sing off key!!! So perfect for the role!!!". I just smiled and nodded, knowing that the real feat would've been to make him sing ON KEY, but that's called perfect casting...

I was thinking this morning about perfect casting. Landing in the perfect  place at the perfect time. Not trying to force something that isn't in your nature, but working with what you have. I had a business partner who hated the expression BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED. Personally, I loved it. She felt it was limiting, like you couldn't move or change things, you were basically stuck where you were. Being a gardener (and an epic furniture mover), I always took it as the conditions do not have to be perfect to bloom. And, if they aren't, then you can always transplant. 

I would never have thought I would be planted as a director. A yoga teacher. A reiki master. That was not the garden I started in. But when the seeds landed, and the roots took hold, I bloomed. We created a new garden filled with beautiful flowers, many who I am best friends with still, many kids who are now parents, many who I had the privilege of officiating their weddings. Ahhh, theater....

Was it perfect? NO. Did I make the most of it? YES. Plants are really not that finicky. I mean sure, if you need to be some prima donna rare orchid, it's going to require better conditions to bloom. But if you are okay being an african violet, you can pretty much survive, bloom and thrive in less than ideal conditions. 

Speaking of, does anyone want some african violets? I had 3, and now have 9. All blooming. Even though they kinda hate the beach. But, a little love, a little nurturing, some dirt. Perfect casting?

There's some major messages here. Just saying.

A Rip in the Matrix

 Sometimes, when Stephanie and I are doing the Astro-Forecast, I think maybe we are just becoming like weather forecasters freaking out over rain. But if I step back and look at the last 10 years, I think nah... times are crazy. Politically, socially, astrologically, and yes, even the weather seems over the top. 

We were in Bowie, our home town, last week. We go back and forth from the beach to the jungle every month. This was a quick trip, filled with insanity, and then we came back here to regroup. For the first time, in a long, long time, I have had tremendous trouble re-orienting. I keep waking up completely dazed, not knowing where I am. Usually it happens when I'm in Bowie, I open one eye, look for the sunrise and realize that I am in the jungle, ain't no sunrise or sunset out my windows. But then the dog stretches her paw into my back and I realize I am home.

For those of you who haven't been to my house "jungle" refers to the wildly out of control gardens and humongous trees in our yard. We can never see the sky in the spring/summer. It's a case of not being able to see the trees for the forest, you know?

We returned to the beach on Friday. Saturday, Barry & I were both just vague. Confused. Not feeling connected to our home here at all. After 3 years, it has in fact, become a home. But there was a vague otherworldly-ness going on. We thought maybe we needed to smudge, do some big time cleansing to let go of the week. We decided maybe we needed to go out and visit our buddies down here (which turned out to be a whole lot of drama in another way, not ours thank God!) Sunday wasn't any better. We started thinking maybe we picked up covid or something in Bowie. Something. Something for sure.

Finally, yesterday, it sort of hit me. In the space of 3-4 days, I had to do a major review and re-do of the last 10 years. I had to let go of things that were extremely dear to me. I had to remove some things with extremely bad memories. I had to go through a familiar scenario of being unheard, unresponded to. I had to question my allies, and rethink my enemies. And I had to do it on the fly, completely alone. Barry was having to return to his reality of the last 10 years before covid, traveling the beltway and being stuck in a cubicle with no ocean breeze. 

I think we were thrown in a time warp, with no time to process, and our brains got put into a constant go-go-go mode with a huge WTF going on in our hearts.

We've finally settled in a bit, not a lot. We've had some deep talks about the future and the necessity to finally start making some for real plans instead of living in this limbo. We had to admit that maybe for the first time in our 43 years together, we have no idea what the future holds, and honestly, are not even sure what it is we want it to hold. It's disorienting. Everything is temporary right now. Our homes, our jobs, our reality. 

All we can do, all of us, is try to take it a day at a time, with an eye on the future. Whatever that is. Anyone else feeling this way?