One year ago...

 Facebook memories are a love em, hate em daily mix. Yesterday was a take your breath away day. It was one year ago that I closed the studio. A bunch of people sent me pics of the "Celebration" Open House, saying things like "end of an era" "can't believe it's been a year" and so on. It was a milestone. It was a milestone filled with bad decisions, just like a lot of things connected with the studio.

The message of my card today was "the deepest roots grow from the strongest winds." It was the wounded healer, which is interesting since Chiron just went retrograde. The card suggested that you write down all the wounds and then next to it, write down what you learned from the wound. Excellent advice, but who has that much time?

I knew before we incorporated Imagine that the partnership was a really bad idea. Everyone around me kept going on about how wonderful it was going to be, but I knew. I even told my partner I was out, but she shifted her line and we went ahead with it. We fought for a couple years, I was petrified she was going to use her lawyer to sue me, it was a lot. Our visions didn't mesh, but worse, neither did our work ethics. And frankly, I was trying to work less, not harder. She was followed by a number of climbers, who ironically banded together against me one by one after I got wise to them too. It was all crazy.

Many lessons and tremendous growth were available. Imagine changed me and my self esteem in a way that nothing else could. I am not sorry at all that I went through it all, but I am sorry I lost so many years fighting for something that was mine to begin with. 

When the landlord terminated me, I was grateful to be done with it all. But of course, I wasn't done with it. Once again, I made a decision to keep it going, letting them use my home, knowing it was wrong. Why? Because of the people that sent me messages yesterday... and last year... and every year. I know Imagine was a unique, once in a lifetime opportunity for many, not just me. The legacy of Imagine will go on, as will some form of it from me, the wounded healer. 

When I get backed into a corner, which is frequent, I will come out fighting. It takes a long time for me to get there, I give chance after chance after chance but then something unforgivable will happen, usually involving someone being cruel to someone else and then I'm done. Me done is not a good thing, fortunately it is a rare thing. 

The whole church thing is about that. The hypocrisy and the outright lies were hard to take. And the lack of accountability made it that much harder. The church secretary went out of her way to damage Imagine, even to the point of writing a nasty review on Yelp, annonymously of course. Stupidly too because she also wrote a review with the same name for their a/c company making it easy to figure out who it was. Time and again she was caught in lies, but she got lucky... the reverend who was on to her quit. And unfortunately, died. Which she then proceeded to let everyone know that he was abusive to her and ... on and on... Like how do you deal with that? There was no one in charge, the asst. pastor left, the interim pastor, the whole music staff, she just coasted through. Until ultimately, she got what she wanted and we got kicked out.

They said it was because we weren't a non profit. I won't even go into how ridiculous this was. That fight happened back in 2011 and ironically, it was my partner who did the bulk of the fighting to make us able to stay. My ex partner who was now on session, one of the "elders" who voted to kick me out. Along with the husband of one of my teachers... who is now teaching at the church. For free of course...

I have shaken my head so many times I'm suprised it hasn't fallen off. 

So, here's the thing. Over the insanity, I have become very clear on what is right and what is wrong. Yes, all of the above was wrong. But I am not arrogant enough to believe that I handled it right. Especially the latest jab. When I found out my teacher was teaching at the church, I reacted badly. I ran my mouth. I gossiped, I said bad things. I was in the process of selling my house and terrified that it was going to fall through, I behaved badly. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last if I allow myself to get stressed by my own stupid decisions.

But, I did a lot of really nice things too. I gave away thousands of dollars worth of stuff to anyone in need. And always have. That's why the non profit thing is so ridiculous. Especially ridiculous in that the church is requiring a 'love' offering from the people taking yoga. Like, if the money goes to them and not the person teaching the class, it's ok. I can't with all of that. And sadly, I don't know that I can ever step foot in a church again.

Sometimes healing requires stepping back and taking a good look at your part in the mess. I can't control any of the injustices that happened while I was in the arena (as Brene Brown says), but I can stand up and believe in me. And I do, I know I did incredible things for people out of love and respect. I know my heart was always in the right place even if my Aries fire wasn't. I know I never cut anyone out of my life without attempting, repeatedly to work things out. And I know that even after a relationship was severed, I made a point to reach out and let them know I was grateful for their part of our journey, even if it ended badly. 

I'm in a major crossroads right now. We sold our house after 44 years. I closed the physical part of the business after 20 years. My kids are in major life transistions too.  I'm not sure what's next. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know how I want to live. I don't know what my next mission is. But I do know the healing has to come first... and then the answers will come and the path will be shown. 

And so it is.

Politics... run!

 I know, I know, we aren't supposed to talk about politics. We are supposed to silently judge the "others' that do not think like us, and rant to our friends who do about "them" and so on. And it's really, really hard to not get super angry and use up a bunch of energy when we see inflammatory posts from those who don't follow the 'we aren't supposed to talk about politics' rule. 

This morning I saw a comment on a facebook page item that instantly made me hopping mad and outrageously incensed. It was a post about the DNC convention on a NC page and the jist of the comment was Dems should die and the president is a corpse and the vice is a DEI hire. Which btw, I had to look up the other day and I am apalled. I instantly started to respond to the comment with a fiery 'kiss your mother with that mouth?' post and then I realized I wasn't commenting as me... I was commenting as my business page, and hmmm, while I wouldn't want that scumbag to ever have any part of my business, it's probably not great to show all that anger on a peaceful site. So, I backspaced... and unfollowed the newsite that is clearly not unbiased and walked away. 

There's a story about 2 monks happening upon a women who desperately needed to cross a river. 1 monk picked her up and carried her across. The other monk, as they were continuing on their path, commented, "you know we aren't supposed to touch women, why did you carry her across the river?" The kind monk responded, "I let her down a while ago, why are you still carrying her?"

Sigh. What do we do with all this? How do we put it down? When it's so outrageous, it's so juicy, it's so inflammatory and offensive. What do we do?

I try and remain above it on my witness perch. I know intellectually, spiritually, rationally, emotionally that it serves no purpose. Scumbag is scumbag no matter what I say. And if I say anything, a dozen other scumbags will jump in, making Mr. Scumbag feel victorious. Not scumbags will also jump in and before you know it, it will be a ridiculous pointless exercise in futility.

But. WTH? Sometimes, in my witness perch, I miss stuff. I put up a post the other day about my olympic flag, and someone commented that I should burn it. WHAT??? How can we be against the Olympics? Am I cuckoo? So, I do a little research and find the most asinine bullshit about how the Olympics are mocking Jesus. 

Lordy. Posted by a woman who thinks Donald Dump is the next messiah. Seriously. 

It's really hard not to react. I try to react with quiet wisdom and not alot of words so we don't confuse the feeble minded... ooops... I mean, I try and find the truth and post it. simply. But I would like to go slap the silly goose. But she is not alone.

I posted a picture of Kamala Harris with a simple slogan "I'm with her". Stupid comments later but I felt like it is important to not be afraid of stupidity, and that if I say this is what I'm doing, maybe one person who is on the fence will look into considering doing the same. I instantly got text messages and pms from closet supporters who don't want to "be political but are so incensed about the hatred but don't want to fight with their best friends who called them an idiot when they said they might vote for ..."

Hmmm. Your best friend called you an idiot so you are afraid to support a reasonable candidate? Hmmm. Maybe it's time to get a new best friend? Of course, that begins the WHO WOULD LOSE A FRIEND OVER POLITICS? thread.  Is it politics or the fact that your friend called you an idiot because you don't think like them?

Can you tell I've sort of had it with all of it? The righteousness, the hypocrisy, the pc ness, the stunned/slammed into silence, all of it.  But alas, I do know that it's all just a mirror. We have to look at why we are angry. Why we want to fight. Why does a good rant feel so good? Why do I need to feel superior? Why is it they are so stupid? Oooops, that snuck in.

I really do send love and peace to all, and hope that sanity will prevail. But in the meantime, I'll be looking at the ocean, working my healing grids and laying as low as my Aries fire will allow.

Peace y'all.

Wow.

 Finding words is hard. The tumultous insanity of the last year has been a lot. The purge continued... big time. Not wanting to be one of those "and then this happened and then that" kind of person, makes it hard to actually enuciate why I am having trouble with words, a rarity for me. Quick recap:  We sold our house. We closed the physical yoga studio. We have a beautiful grandson. My son is in love, planning on moving to California. We have moved all of our belongings to North Carolina, mostly in a storage shed. The move about broke us... mentally, physically, you name it. We are now living in the aftermath, a period I refer to as WTF was that???

And who are we now?

I have gone back to the drawing board, trying to remember when I was... well... me. So, tarot it is!

My reading yesterday summed it up, sorta.

Where I am:  2 cards popped into my hand. The Master and Slowing Down (knight of pentacles)

Oh yes. Remember when I was a Master? I used to be sooo, I don't know... wise? I had such a thirst for knowledge. I studied. I went on incredible trips to learn. Part of the text of the card says "if you haven't found someone who inspires you, keep looking". And look I did. Ashana, Ajeet. Snatum, Lisa Williams, Doreen Virtue,  the Leo King, KRI, some of the most incredible people I admired. Closer to home, I had people I felt so inferior to, I idolized them all .. until I really saw them. Or should I say, until I saw me. I saw the Master in me. And realized we were all the same. Even the big names, they were me, there was nothing they had that I didn't, I understood. and I grew. And I created. The slowing down card was on top of the Master, representing my search for home. Turtles carry their shell, their home, right on their back. but that's the dilemma. Where is my home? Where are my real people? Where can I be at ease?

I have made many enemies in this last cycle. Since the beginning of Imagine, I have had people profess to love me, only to spin on a dime and unfriend me; publically and personally. Being a business owner sets you up for lots of failure. People that want what you have, people that want you to give them what you have, people that will do almost anything to take what you have, people that love to get together with other people to talk about what you have. It's endless. I can't say that I have always responded to the constant pressure well. In fact, the more this went on, the less and less I reacted as a master and more like a cynical bitch. Pushed against the wall time and time again, and expected to always be serene is not easy for an Aries. I lashed back every now and then. And got hammered again and again. As my dear friends Pam and Don would say, "are you still a healer?" Sometimes no.

In the last 5 years, I have resisted being really close friends with anyone. I have tried really hard to just keep distance, not knowing where the next hammer will come from. The lesson:  It's way past time to slow down and be at ease where you are... and remember the Master you are. I know she's in there somewhere. 

How will you get where you are going:

Oh yes, Remember her? One of the few things that made it into storage was an old faded poster of the Queen of Rainbows, Flowering, my inspiration and significator. She is vibrantly alive, in balance and casting her seeds of wisdom where-ever she may, not caring where they land. When I started this cycle, that was a really powerful message for me, to just be me. Outcomes were irrelevant. I just truly enjoyed the process of learning, of sharing, of discovery. I got conned into partnering up time and again in the hope that I could be free from the mundane financial and people management aspect of Imagine, so I could continue to throw my seeds and share my joy of yoga, reiki, tarot and learning. How easy it was for me to give up my power, my money and my sanity, just wanting freedom. How will I get there? I guess I need to rebalance. Heal. Sit on my lotus and look to the light. 

I used to tell people that were in deep crisis that sometimes you just have to sit and breathe. They would ask how long? I would say, "for as long as it takes." Maybe I need to listen to what I've told others.

So, where am I going:

Sigh. 

And ugh.

This card, the knight of cups, feels like such a burden and a blessing. On the one hand, I don't know if I want to take a flying leap into the unknown. I might rather hide in my shell. I don't know that I trust that I won't go through the same crap I have the last 15 years. I made bad decisions, over and over. How can I be assured that I won't make the same ones, attract the same types of people, give up me for ... what? I don't even know. 

Yes I do.

I did it because I thought I had to. If God gives you a gift, you use it. You don't get to put it under a bushel (or in a shell) and just keep it to yourself. I am literally having a panic attack writing this. From the time I was a small child, I have been admonished to think of the starving children in China, and to give all that I have to others, because I am so damn lucky to have it. I am. I know it. I have a great mind. I've had great health. I have incredible empathy... and that's the curse. Or the burden. Even when I know a person is using me, even when I hear them trashing me on the camera, I still see the good in them. Even when they drop me like a hot potato with no explanation. 

Enough

I will work up to this card. Trust is hard. I have some healing to do. I promise not to become a recluse. I will carry on eventually but right now, I'm going to lay low. Let the dust settle and not even try to work it out. People treat you as you teach them. I'm no innocent bystander, but dayum, I'm done. 

A new beginning is forthcoming and I have no idea what that looks like. 

Kinda exciting.

And yes, I am still in here, I feel her.